Breaking Free

I had a great childhood. My parents are still married and deeply in love. I've had nothing but love, encouragement, support and acceptance from my family and close friends all my life. So I don't really know why I'm overweight. I talked to my mom about it for a long time tonight. I was insecure as a child and had some unexplained depression in my teens but never realized it at the time. I look back and see it but I had no idea what I was actually feeling when I was in the middle of it. I feel like I am more aware of things like that now.

I am doing a bible study with the ladies at my church - "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore.

I have known for some time that I have lost control over my eating and desire to take care of myself. This study really addresses the bondage of sin and oppression of habitual sin. It's awesome. You should do it. Period.

God, I am in bondage to food, overeating, and inactivity. I will not "make peace" with my sin by saying and thinking "I've just got fat genes... I'll always be fat... my family loves me anyways... I'm ok with who I am...". I need you to heal my "want to". Make me hate the things that are bad for me and love You more. Deliver me from this bondage as I grow closer to You.

Psalm 40:8 - "I desire to do Your will O my God, Your law is within my heart.". I want to want to break free from my bondage and habitual sin.

1 Corinthians 10:13- "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will also provide THE way out so that you can stand up under it."

God, help me make it through my moments so that I can make it to my milestones. Help me to be transparent and secure in who I am in You and the rest will fall into place.

Current weight: 245.6

Hi again...

I've done really well the past few days with eating right and exercising. It feels good. I'm hoping it's not just a phase... but then again I guess that's ultimately my decision. I've got to figure out how to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. At this point I really don't care about my weight or size. I just know that one day I want to be a mommy and my kid(s) will learn how to eat from me... that's scary!! If I can't figure it out now then I definitely won't do it after I have kids because then I'll have even more excuses than I already do.

I'm almost 10 months out from quitting smoking and yes it was pretty life changing. I've got a lot more freedom than I used to. I can now ride in the car with other people for long periods of time without killing anyone. I can go on a weekend trip with my parents without trying to sneak out for a cigarette as to not disrespect them (I would NEVER smoke in front of them). I have been able to be more honest about my nasty habit since I quit than when I was still in the middle of it. My husband quit a few months after me. He was never really a heavy smoker or "addicted". He's the kind that could still have one every now and then and not "start back". *I* am not one of those people.

The down side of quitting.... extra weight.... ugh. I'm fatter than ever but my lungs are healthy! Right now this doesn't seem like a good trade-off but I know it will be. I know that I can get this weight thing conquered. If I can quit smoking... I can lose weight!

weird...

I've kind of been in self destruct mode recently. I couldn't care less what I ate and preferred to lay around and do absolutely nothing any chance I got.

A friend of mine who is struggling with fertility recently went to see a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner (TCM). She returned with tons of great information about nutrition.

I don't know why but it must have rubbed off on me :). I haven't started back to weight watchers or counting calories or anything like that. I'm just making better choices and being more active. I think that's something I can do long term.

So I've learned that I like salad. Dustin has always liked salads and he makes them look so good but I've just never been one to enjoy a salad. While grocery shopping the other day, I actually thought... "a salad would be good for dinner one night". And then I thought... "did I really just think that???" So I've been eating salad for the past couple of days.. and lots of it. Yes I am putting some shredded cheese and croutons on it and I am not using fat free dressing. BUT it is has to be better for me than the Guthries snack or the Big Mac meal that I would usually gravitate toward!

Also on the food front... The other night, I wanted to grill chicken tenders to go with my salad. Dustin asked for his fried. Usually I would just give in and fry it all. Not this time. I had him grill my chicken (he's a better griller than me) and I fried his (I'm a better frier than he is). I enjoyed it! I didn't even *wish* I had the fried!

ANNNND [sorry, I'm a little excited]... last night while D was working, I could feel the late night munchies coming on. I knew I had 2 packs of klondike bars and 1 un-opened package of cookie dough (my weaknesses!). What did I do??? I picked up the cookie dough. Looked at it long and hard. Put it back and got a cup of peaches (that I had bought for D but he didn't want because they had added splenda and not natural.) I told myself that if I was still "hungry" after the peaches I would eat 1 piece of cookie dough. I wasn't and I didn't!

I've also found myself wanting to walk more and enjoying it. I'm learning that I don't have to walk 2 miles at a time. I can do 15 - 30 minutes and it's still better than sitting on my behind!

I'm exercising!!

Thanks to my bestest friend in the whole wide world, I have walked over 1 mile 2 days in a row.  I know this is no big thing for most of you but it is for me.

Keep in mind I was walking a >100 pound "puppy" at the same time :)

For some reason my nike thing kept stopping today :( .  

Totals for today:

Distance: 2.03 miles

Time: 38 minutes 51 seconds

Calories: 348

  

Back on the road...

This is a screenshot from yesterday's walk around the neighborhood.  Rachel was kind enough to hold the leash for the entire 1.7 miles!  Bronco is very difficult to walk sometimes!!

Fitness is...

HARD!

By Wednesday, I started to feel some relief from the soreness of my workout on SATURDAY.  OMG.  Wednesday night I went to church and got home late.  Thursday (yesterday) was my last night to work as a "trade-out" so I scheduled my orientation/fitness evaluation right after work... putting me at the gym for 4 hours straight.  I got my official start weight... goo... 231.6.  UGH!  They also told me my BMI and Body Fat %... I can't remember exactly but I think it was 43 and 45 respectively.  TERRIBLE!  Oh well, just more to work on.  The banner at the top of my page is for a mini goal of 200 lbs.  I can't even fathom my actual goal weight right now.  I actually don't even know what it is.  Technically, it should be 130. 1.3.0! Are you kidding me??  We'll see how I feel when I get to 200 and make another mini goal.

After the fitness evaluation, Naomi (the trainer from Saturday), ran me through a 45 minute circuit in the weight area and had some great tips for using one or two machines in different ways to target different muscle groups.

After the circuit, I ate dinner (tuna salad) in the employee break room until 6:40 (trade-out work at 7). Then I got on the elliptical for 15 minutes.  Trade-out was grueling!  I was the only one there!  I had to clean both bathrooms and all the floors and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I think I sweated more doing all of that than on the elliptical.

Our Quads....

Today I have learned that the muscle on the top of your thigh is your quad and it helps you do many things...

• sit down
• stand up
• climb stairs
• squat to pick up stuff
• move quicker than molasses