A letter to myself...

Inspired by Biggest Loser

Dear goal-weight Ashley,

Never forget where you came from and how you got there.  Also never forget the work it took to get where you are now!  This has been a long journey and you've done well.  You should be proud of yourself.  Don't be scared.  Don't let the fears of gaining it back, loose skin, and lifetime committment make you falter.  This goal was always attainable, it just took many kicks in the butt to get there.  Just because you are at goal doesn't mean that your work is done.  Don't get frustrated over a pound... or five.  And don't agonize over every tiny decision.  You are stronger than you think you are.

Love

~200 lb Ashley

Onderland!

So 2 years and 5 months have passed and I've finally made it to ONDERLAND!!!  I have so many mixed emotions about this new number (198.4). 

... it just feels strange putting the "1" first.

... I am so very proud of how far I've come.

... I'm scared!  I have not been this weight since I was on my way up (5 years ago).  There's a small voice that says "who are you when you're not the fat girl anymore?"  I know I have lots of great qualities but it has been so easy to use my weight as an excuse.... (my skinny friends will never understand this about me). 

... What if i fail??????  What if i gain it all back???

... Why has it taken me so long to get here?  Lots of people lose 46 pounds in a year and it took me more than twice that long.  Why can't I just do it and get it over with already!

Thanks for reading

Off the Wagon...

So I was doing really great and then BAM - hit a wall!  I was OP for 68 days and then didn't track for 4 days.  I am starting back tomorrow.  I don't even know what got into me or why I quit WW for the past 4 days.  Oh well. It's not the end of the world. I have WI tomorrow and expect a gain.

I keep trying to remember that I'm trying to fall less often and less far.

Update...

So far I've been smoke free for 26 days - almost 4 weeks (Saturday).  I've been on WW and following the plan for 56 days.  I've lost a total of 37.8 pounds in 2 years and one month and I've lost 13.8 in the last 56 days.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good. I have my days where I do nothing but attempt to eat "good" and then I have days where I don't feel good or bad about my food - it's just part of my life and that's how it should be.  I can feel myself getting closer to my goals and I like it!  I've been slacking on the exercise lately so I tried a spinning class and really enjoyed it.

My family is having some difficulties and that is hard.  My grandfather is slipping and it's too hard to watch.  My uncle passed away 1 year ago this month at only 50 years old from clear cell sarcoma.

Bummed...

I got a pair of jeans (Target, sz 18) for christmas from my mom.  I was able to start wearing them immediately.  They're starting to get really baggy and driving me crazy.

So, I went to Old Navy tonight to see if I could find anything (Target is 30+ miles away).  I tried on several different styles of size 18s and they all looked like I had painted them on - even tight in the calves.

It sucks.  I thought I was an 18 but I guess I'm a 20.

Starting Day 7

I had kinda been planning to quit for a couple of months.  I just loved it too much.  Very few of my friends smoke and my husband smokes but my parents don't and I won't smoke in front of them.  We are living with my parents right now to pay off some debt and save $$ for a new house.  Smoking made me become inflexible and dishonest.  I wouldn't ride in other people's cars cause I had to smoke (even short distances). I didn't want to take long trips with my family because I couldn't smoke around them.  And it took me years to finally admit to my mom that I was a smoker?. Now I can't admit to her that I'm quitting because I'm embarrassed to remind her that I was a smoker?.

Long story short (LOL) I had to. Now I've got a sinus infection - Boo!   Sometimes I feel like that commercial where people forget how to do everyday things because they don't have a cigarette in their hands.

I'm doing great with WW staying OP.  This time is so different for me.  I feel different. I'm not trying to diet like I was before and I'm accepting that this is my life and I have to take care of me.

Quitting!

So today is Day 2 of quitting smoking.

I have a raging headache and want to eat EVERYTHING... but I'm not because i've already eaten my points for the day.

I made myself go to the gym this afternoon even though it was the last thing I wanted to do today. "Just do it till it becomes habit."

Hoping Day 3 is easier!

NSV

Dustin and I went to eat at a local seafood restaurant last night. I usually order the crab cakes with a side of fried pickles but decided I didn't have the points for that. So I got seared tuna, steamed broccoli and a baked potato. It was delicious and now I'm craving it!

When we got home I still felt a little snackish and had 2 points left. Instead of going for the chips and cookies he keeps around, I fixed some coffee and had my favorite creamer. It was just enough to satisfy and guilt free too! 

Working

I'm at work right now .  

It's not bad, I'm just not in the mood to be here. 

I've stayed OP for several weeks now that the dang holidays are over!! 

I hated not having my normal routine. 

Lately I've been staying up way too late and then not getting up early 

to go walk... this has to stop! now!  

Good news is that I've been walking at lunch or after work to make up 

for it... I feel weird when I don't get my APs in now ... 

that's definitly a NSV for me because I used to be the LAZIEST 

person on earth and now I like to move as much as possible!

I don't really know why but this go-round of WW feels different... 

like I will actually do it this time. Very exciting for me!!!