Breaking Free

I had a great childhood. My parents are still married and deeply in love. I've had nothing but love, encouragement, support and acceptance from my family and close friends all my life. So I don't really know why I'm overweight. I talked to my mom about it for a long time tonight. I was insecure as a child and had some unexplained depression in my teens but never realized it at the time. I look back and see it but I had no idea what I was actually feeling when I was in the middle of it. I feel like I am more aware of things like that now.

I am doing a bible study with the ladies at my church - "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore.

I have known for some time that I have lost control over my eating and desire to take care of myself. This study really addresses the bondage of sin and oppression of habitual sin. It's awesome. You should do it. Period.

God, I am in bondage to food, overeating, and inactivity. I will not "make peace" with my sin by saying and thinking "I've just got fat genes... I'll always be fat... my family loves me anyways... I'm ok with who I am...". I need you to heal my "want to". Make me hate the things that are bad for me and love You more. Deliver me from this bondage as I grow closer to You.

Psalm 40:8 - "I desire to do Your will O my God, Your law is within my heart.". I want to want to break free from my bondage and habitual sin.

1 Corinthians 10:13- "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will also provide THE way out so that you can stand up under it."

God, help me make it through my moments so that I can make it to my milestones. Help me to be transparent and secure in who I am in You and the rest will fall into place.

Current weight: 245.6

Hi again...

I've done really well the past few days with eating right and exercising. It feels good. I'm hoping it's not just a phase... but then again I guess that's ultimately my decision. I've got to figure out how to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. At this point I really don't care about my weight or size. I just know that one day I want to be a mommy and my kid(s) will learn how to eat from me... that's scary!! If I can't figure it out now then I definitely won't do it after I have kids because then I'll have even more excuses than I already do.

I'm almost 10 months out from quitting smoking and yes it was pretty life changing. I've got a lot more freedom than I used to. I can now ride in the car with other people for long periods of time without killing anyone. I can go on a weekend trip with my parents without trying to sneak out for a cigarette as to not disrespect them (I would NEVER smoke in front of them). I have been able to be more honest about my nasty habit since I quit than when I was still in the middle of it. My husband quit a few months after me. He was never really a heavy smoker or "addicted". He's the kind that could still have one every now and then and not "start back". *I* am not one of those people.

The down side of quitting.... extra weight.... ugh. I'm fatter than ever but my lungs are healthy! Right now this doesn't seem like a good trade-off but I know it will be. I know that I can get this weight thing conquered. If I can quit smoking... I can lose weight!

weird...

I've kind of been in self destruct mode recently. I couldn't care less what I ate and preferred to lay around and do absolutely nothing any chance I got.

A friend of mine who is struggling with fertility recently went to see a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner (TCM). She returned with tons of great information about nutrition.

I don't know why but it must have rubbed off on me :). I haven't started back to weight watchers or counting calories or anything like that. I'm just making better choices and being more active. I think that's something I can do long term.

So I've learned that I like salad. Dustin has always liked salads and he makes them look so good but I've just never been one to enjoy a salad. While grocery shopping the other day, I actually thought... "a salad would be good for dinner one night". And then I thought... "did I really just think that???" So I've been eating salad for the past couple of days.. and lots of it. Yes I am putting some shredded cheese and croutons on it and I am not using fat free dressing. BUT it is has to be better for me than the Guthries snack or the Big Mac meal that I would usually gravitate toward!

Also on the food front... The other night, I wanted to grill chicken tenders to go with my salad. Dustin asked for his fried. Usually I would just give in and fry it all. Not this time. I had him grill my chicken (he's a better griller than me) and I fried his (I'm a better frier than he is). I enjoyed it! I didn't even *wish* I had the fried!

ANNNND [sorry, I'm a little excited]... last night while D was working, I could feel the late night munchies coming on. I knew I had 2 packs of klondike bars and 1 un-opened package of cookie dough (my weaknesses!). What did I do??? I picked up the cookie dough. Looked at it long and hard. Put it back and got a cup of peaches (that I had bought for D but he didn't want because they had added splenda and not natural.) I told myself that if I was still "hungry" after the peaches I would eat 1 piece of cookie dough. I wasn't and I didn't!

I've also found myself wanting to walk more and enjoying it. I'm learning that I don't have to walk 2 miles at a time. I can do 15 - 30 minutes and it's still better than sitting on my behind!

I'm exercising!!

Thanks to my bestest friend in the whole wide world, I have walked over 1 mile 2 days in a row.  I know this is no big thing for most of you but it is for me.

Keep in mind I was walking a >100 pound "puppy" at the same time :)

For some reason my nike thing kept stopping today :( .  

Totals for today:

Distance: 2.03 miles

Time: 38 minutes 51 seconds

Calories: 348

  

Back on the road...

This is a screenshot from yesterday's walk around the neighborhood.  Rachel was kind enough to hold the leash for the entire 1.7 miles!  Bronco is very difficult to walk sometimes!!

Fitness is...

HARD!

By Wednesday, I started to feel some relief from the soreness of my workout on SATURDAY.  OMG.  Wednesday night I went to church and got home late.  Thursday (yesterday) was my last night to work as a "trade-out" so I scheduled my orientation/fitness evaluation right after work... putting me at the gym for 4 hours straight.  I got my official start weight... goo... 231.6.  UGH!  They also told me my BMI and Body Fat %... I can't remember exactly but I think it was 43 and 45 respectively.  TERRIBLE!  Oh well, just more to work on.  The banner at the top of my page is for a mini goal of 200 lbs.  I can't even fathom my actual goal weight right now.  I actually don't even know what it is.  Technically, it should be 130. 1.3.0! Are you kidding me??  We'll see how I feel when I get to 200 and make another mini goal.

After the fitness evaluation, Naomi (the trainer from Saturday), ran me through a 45 minute circuit in the weight area and had some great tips for using one or two machines in different ways to target different muscle groups.

After the circuit, I ate dinner (tuna salad) in the employee break room until 6:40 (trade-out work at 7). Then I got on the elliptical for 15 minutes.  Trade-out was grueling!  I was the only one there!  I had to clean both bathrooms and all the floors and a whole bunch of other stuff.  I think I sweated more doing all of that than on the elliptical.

Our Quads....

Today I have learned that the muscle on the top of your thigh is your quad and it helps you do many things...

• sit down
• stand up
• climb stairs
• squat to pick up stuff
• move quicker than molasses

Water vs. Coke

Water or Coke? 

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population) 
 
In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger. 
 
Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%. 
 
One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study. 
 
Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 
 
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 
 
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 
 
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day? 
 
COKE OR DIET COKE

In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.. 
 
You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days. 
 
To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 
 
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 
 
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 
 
To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 
 
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 
 
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
 
FOR YOUR INFORMATION: 
 

The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis. 
 
To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. 
 
The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years!

Agh!!

My legs are killing me!

Sent from my iPhone

Bootcamp Demo

After spending all night in the hospital with my grandfather (which turned out to be way more restful than I thought it could be)... I decided to go to a "Bootcamp Demo" class at my gym.  I noticed a sign up sheet for it on thursday night.  I was the first one to sign up.

There was ONE other girl there besides the trainer.  She was jumping rope.  I was handed a jump rope and of course laughed at the trainer for thinking I could propel my big hiney off the ground to jump over a rope.  I actually did really well with that!

And then came a seemingly easy exercise... hands and feet on the floor like a push-up and bring one knee to your chest... then switch... really fast.  I don't know what this is called but I don't like it.  I couldn't move my feet!  I don't know if it's all the stress or whatever of my life lately but I just lost it.  I started crying.... and the more I cried the more I couldn't stop it.  It was like a dam broke! In front a tiny little woman I had never met in my life and another girl (who is training with the tiny woman).  I'm such a mess!

The trainer was very sweet but not a push over and very encouraging.  We moved on to kickboxing, which I have enjoyed in the past.  It turns out that her main training (for herself) is kickboxing and she taught it for 6 or 7 years.

The other girl couldn't handle the kickboxing.  She ran out of the room to the bathroom.  The trainer waited awhile and went to check on her.  She eventually came back and finished the class with less gusto than before.  After the class, I ran into the Asst. Manager (who is in charge of the "trade-outs"). She was digging around in the janitorial closet.  I joked about having a trade-out do it for her. She said (loudly) that someone had puked all over the bathroom and just LEFT it without even attempting to clean it up!  It had to be the girl from my class!

So... I cried. I survived. I may do it again... but at least I didn't puke! [this time]

I needed this today...

great entry in another blog I read....

http://mandyparham.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-weight-loss-over-time.html

SparkPeople

Sparkpeople has a pretty cool app.  We'll see how I do with it...

What is wrong with me??

UGH!  I feel like crap.  I can't believe I have gained 30 lbs in 10 months!  I never thought I would be here again!  Does it make me do things differently?? NO!  I only want crap and I don't want to exercise.  This time last year, I was already planning my teaching style for the WW meetings I would surely one day be hosting. Does it ever end?  Do you ever just "get it" and not feel like this anymore??

The Beginning...

I am moving my blog from webs.com that I started a couple of years ago so that maybe I'll (1) keep up with it. & (2) get motivated again and stay motivated!


So, I'm Ashley.  I love God.  He is my Lord and Savior.  I'm 27 years old, married to a wonderful man - Dustin.  We don't have any children yet - waiting on a few things (financial, weight, house, etc...) I'm a Speech-Therapist and absolutely LOVE my job most of the time!!  I get to work with patients from 1 yr old to 100+ years old.  For once in my life work is the least stressful thing in my life.

The most stressful thing you ask?  Weight, fat, food, exercise.... If I don't care enough about myself to spend every possible minute making my future better, then who else will... right?

I've been fairly heavy all my life that I remember.  One summer when I was 13, I babysat 3 kids that were holy terrors.  I was totally unequipped to deal with them and decided that if I would just feed them all the time, they would leave me alone.  It worked - they ate, I ate... all. day. long.  (that was a 30 lbs summer!)  It seems like I have always been heavier than my friends by at least 20 lbs.  I regret that I didn't start caring about my weight until I was at my heaviest (245) in January 2007.  At that point I had given up weighing, obsessing and even trying at all.  I had NO idea that's how much I weighed.  I have a wonderful husband and wonderful family and friends that have always made me feel loved, accepted, and never ashamed of my appearance.  For a long time, I think I blamed my parents for my weight.  Now I know that it's MY problem.  I caused it and I have to fix it.

I counted calories for a couple of months and lost 15 lbs!  Then I started my first encounter with WeightWatchers (WW).  I thought... I'm determined, there's no way I will fail at this!  Yeah Right! I'm off WW for the 4th time now - Not only did I not realize how much I weighed, now I discover that I'm a complete mess when it comes to will power, determination, and emotional eating!  

This is my year!  No more excuses!  Time to leave my pity party behind and quit being the "fat friend" (how I see myself... never been called that... to my face at least :)

Couch to 5k

Yesterday, Tracy and Melissa begged me to go to a spin class at Gold's Gym with them so I went.  I really enjoyed spin last year at Fitness Plus and then just fell out of the habit and back into my old habits.  I really loved my trainer Shawn and did really well with him... then he moved to Huntsville.  I have really used that as a great excuse to not have the self-discipline to work out and eat right.

After the spin class yesterday, I sat down and talked with a sweet lady named Sharon about pricing and training options.  By the end of our talk, she offered me a work trade program where I can work for 2 hours a week to pay for my membership.  I also felt overly excited when I saw that the treadmills have ipod/iphone docks!!  Now there is absolutely NO excuse not to go!  Who else can charge their ipod/iphones and run at the same time??

I downloaded an app on my phone that has the Couch to 5k program.  It tells you when to walk and when to run.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be.  Day one alternates 90 seconds of walking and 60 seconds of running for 30 minutes.  I skipped the third run because my ankles were burning but then it stopped so i ran the rest of the runs.  (great story... I know)